Congratulations, Dana Ford.  This has to be the dumbest article I’ve read in quite some time. And I sometimes even read birther conspiracy theory articles in WND.

Hi there! Millions of years ago I caused evolution to give some number of people a relatively rare condition in their brains. I did this so that millions of years later, I would make a crazy person fail to kill you, while succeeding in murdering 12 others that I… well, I guess I didn’t plan that far ahead for. By the way, it’s possible that thousands or millions of people have had this condition for no discernible reason, ’cause I made it for YOU! Special!

Now, don’t get me wrong: he doesn’t kill you per se, but you’ll still have to go through painful therapy, tons of expensive surgery, facial reconstruction, you’ll probably have some sort of PTSD from this… and oh: your mom still has cancer in her liver, bones and lungs. I mean, there’s only so much I can do, right? Who am I, Sanjay Gupta? Amirite? Love that guy.

Right, well I guess I could have made the crazy person get discovered and arrested on his way to the theater, I suppose. Or just made his brain not have the condition that made him crazy. Or made the gun jam. Could’ve given the guy a heart attack or something. Or kept you away from the theater that night, or changed the path of the bullet so that it missed you. Technically, I guess I have the power to just make this horrifying bloodbath-slash-massacre not happen in the first place! Oh well… hindsight, huh? LOL!

Hey, the news article didn’t mention the amazing team of doctors and nurses that actually saved your life, by any chance? No? Good, wouldn’t want stories about their expertise, hard work, dedication and skill to eclipse all the… evolution… brain work thing I did millions of years ago. Screw those guys, don’t even want to hear their names mentioned. Might just give one of THEM cancer too! ROFL! How ’bout them “mysterious ways”, science!

Now praise me. I did a miracle!