There are some occasions in which I make poor choices regarding the words I use to request my first cup of coffee of the day. These choices do not really reflect who I am, my true feelings regarding the employees or the establishment, or even my own personal opinion of when it is appropriate to refer to someone as a “glacier-paced incompetent douchenozzle”. I would also like to extend personal, heartfelt apologies to employee J. Hovian, whose mother I freely admit I do not know, intimately or otherwise: she is probably a lovely woman.

I recognize that this is an personal issue that I need to work on, and I agree to appear before my court-appointed caffeine management therapist on the proscribed schedule. I also understand the requirement to NOT approach coffee store employees outside of their places of work, to NOT follow them home, and to NOT light piles of coffee beans on fire in their front yards. I would also like to state that I respect the opinion of Mr. A. Friedman, who states that urinating the words “THIS IS WHAT YOUR COFFEE TASTES LIKE” on the walls of a commercial building he owns, while technically not illegal, is at best a misuse of First Amendment freedoms that may not have been at the forefront of the Founding Fathers’ minds while enacting said amendment. I disagree, but respect his opinion on the matter.

As a final point, I apologize profusely to former Sec. of State Condoleezza Rice, for reasons I am not at liberty to discuss. I repeat my offer to pay for all dry-cleaning costs related to the issue, or to replace the items in question.

This concludes the settlement-required posting. Signed on this day, August 5, 2013, by my hand.

My favorite shows from the ‪Minnesota Fringe 2013 #‎MNFringe‬ (so far):

Fringception

The story of an unemployed playwright who applies to the Fringe on a whim and gets a slot. The show follows the story of his search for a decent story to tell, and his last-minute decision to tell the story of the search for the story. WARNING: audience responses to the show may be included in subsequent productions.

Good Intentions on the Road to HFL

In this touching autobiographical one-woman show, the author describes her harrowing journey caught between two worlds: the indifference of the cat community, and the rejection and ridicule from traditional Western-medicine doctors after she self-diagnoses with Human Feline Leukemia (HFL) based on a Google search. From her first struggles in getting appointments for treatment, to her tense meetings with the FCLU (Feline Civil Liberties Union), to the endless paperwork from insurance companies who insist there’s no reimbursement code for human feline leukemia because “it’s not a thing”, you will experience first-hand the drama that can be wrought from long unbroken stretches of tedium. Spoken word, delivered in a droning monotone for 50 endless minutes.  TRIGGER WARNING: YARN.

REACTION

Dance piece.  The audience is alternately sprayed with gluten, MSG, peanut oil, GMO high-fructose corn syrup and lactose for an hour, while strobelights flicker. Presented by Whole Foods and Monsanto.

BANG! An Interactive Murder-Mystery

In the line before the show, a randomly-selected audience member is “murdered”. Over the next 50 minutes, the rest of the audience must piece together the clues until they reach the slowly dawning realization that oh shit that guy really IS dead that wasn’t part of the show AT ALL.

“Most fun I’ve had in years!”
– Audience member (name withheld, currently in witness protection program)

“A Fringe Favorite, Starring Neil Patrick Harris! MUST SEE!”

A one-act study in false advertising and how easily we allow ourselves to be deceived. Free cookies for all audience members!

Mein Summer Kampf

In this whimsical re-imagining of Adolf Hitler’s classic tale, we learn that the Final Solution was originally written as a satirical essay, in the same vein as Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”. But when the manuscript is stolen while Adolf is spending the summer at Kamp Judenplotz, wacky hijinx inevitably ensue!

Some mild swearing, Holocaust denial, Mel Gibson.