MY REVIEW OF PACIFIC RIM: GIANT ROBOTS HAVE SEX WITH YOUR FACE IN 3D

There are three types of people in this world, each defined by their different responses to the question: “Do you want to go and see a movie where giant robots fight multiple Godzilla monsters?”

Type 1 will respond: “Hell yes! When can we go?” These people already have car keys in their hands, and are scratching at the front door like labradors who have just heard the word “walkies”. We will get to those people in a second.

Type 3 will respond: “Ummm… why would I want to see *that*?” Those people are safe. They are under the impression there is NO reason for them to see this movie, and they happen to be 100% correct. There are many other perfectly fine activities for these people to consume their time with, any and all of them will be far less painful to them than realizing what they have just spent money on.

The Type 2 group will respond with a tentative “Maybe,” and further questions such as “What is the story? Who is in it? Is anything else playing? Is there anything I should know about this movie before making the decision to see it or not?”

I would like to assure these people that they, too, are the wrong audience for this movie. If you have not received every single piece of information you need to know about this movie in the question “DO YOU WANT TO GO AND SEE A MOVIE WHERE GIANT ROBOTS FIGHT GODZILLAS?”, then you are not really supposed to go see this one. None of your questions will be answered, and you will leave the theater with more questions than when you went in. Questions like “Why?” and “What the hell just happened to my face?”

Let me explain: a giant robot just had sex with it. That’s what just happened. You’re either “with” that, or you’re just not.

Let us now return to the Type 1 people. They are the audience Guillermo del Toro has in mind for this movie, and I have a special message for them.

Ahem.

Attention, dear friends: as you already know, this is a movie about giant robots fighting Godzilla monsters. But I must warn you: there are several moments in this movie during which there are NO giant robots on the screen fighting Godzilla monsters. Not a single one.

At those times, you must not be scared; be patient, and your patience will eventually be rewarded by more giant robots fighting Godzilla monsters. Now let’s go buy some candy and soda for you! Remember to go potty before the movie starts!

And give me those keys. You can’t drive, silly!

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