Since male “self-love” kills potential babies, there should be a constitutional amendment that requires a counselling session, a 24-hour waiting period and a intra-testicular ultrasound before a man is allowed to masturbate. In addition, the male should be required to individually name each of the sperm before proceeding, and write a short apology explaining to each potential child why he/she will never be.

If approved, you will be notified after your request has been reviewed by (a) a panel of local religious authorities following a book of rules that hasn’t been updated in 2,000 years, (b) Rick Santorum, and (c) the Community Relations Officer of the closest Hanes gym sock factory.

However, based on the current religious laws that are the foundational basis of the Constitution, it must be noted that since “onanism” is an abomination and sex must be used only for procreation AND NEVER ENJOYED FOR ITS OWN SAKE, masturbation will only be allowed directly into a woman’s… ummm… YOU KNOW (I can’t say it out loud)… her… ummm…

<whisper>va-jay-jay</whisper>.

Only thus will we protect the sanctity of marriage.